‘I’m not ready’
‘I’m too frightened’
‘I’m not intelligent enough’
I can’t do it’
‘I’m too stupid’
‘I’m not worthy’
‘I’m not confident’
The list goes on!
In my men’s retreats and programs over the past few years it is evident that these messages live deep inside many of us, including myself in various life contexts. I definitely feel the call of ‘I’m not good enough’ when I’m asked to speak in Public. These messages live within our nervous system, within our bodies, within our minds. Many men feel trapped and lack the confidence to step fully into their lives because of these hidden stories.
Even if ‘in our heads’ we say things like “I’m going to step into my fear’, ‘I’m going to commit’, ‘I am ready’, ‘I am motivated’, ‘I’m feeling more confident than ever’, ‘it’s going to happen’, often the fear of moving forwards in life can be sabotaged by a deep unconscious reaction felt deep inside their body. It is not felt in your head. It is felt inside of your body!
Every man I have ever worked with (and woman) inherits these beliefs in some form from their life experience. It seems that some men use these messages to drive them forwards. They act as a catalyst. I recently worked with one man, a famous ex-International Rugby player who had a huge revelation when working with me, when he realised that the ‘procrastinator’ in him wasn’t his enemy. In fact, we determined that it was a driving force and without this he wouldn’t have played over 80 times for his country and over 400 times for his club. His procrastinator was a driving force that propelled him towards fulfilment.
Yet, many men feel trapped in these messages and put their foot on the break, preventing them from stepping into their true potential as a man. These deep messages are from the past, beliefs we absorbed into our nervous systems growing up as children. Messages that were handed down to us from our parents and caregivers, that were probably handed down from generations of our ancestry. It can seem that these messages are hard-wired into our cells. And let me tell you they are!
In my retreats, it is evident that these hidden messages come from one major childhood wound or absorbed core belief. ‘I’m not Good Enough’.
If a man unconsciously (or consciously) believes this message and puts his foot on the brake, usually because of hidden shame and repressed trauma, it can be difficult to find his place in the world, to stay present and to align with a meaningful purpose. This core belief can lead to a whole host of distracting and masking behaviours such as depression, addictions, anxiety issues, and more. And unfortunately, suicide.
On the flip side, many men unconsciously use the energy of this message and puts their foot on the accelerator in life. It can drive him into a life of relentlessly proving to others that he is good enough. Whilst this may sound like a positive and it can certainly drive him to ‘get shit done’, it can often lead to a life of relentless material pursuits such as gaining an endless amount of academic qualifications, earning more and more money without ever feeling content, and pursuing many different relationships to experience the feeling of “I’m loved” and “I’m good enough”. Yet, the deep feeling of discontentment in life may still prevail.
Throughout the last 10 years of my career from 2014 to 2024, it has become clear where this belief (I’m not good enough) comes from. I would say that for most men, it comes from the perception that they did not receive adequate fathering from a strong male role model. Maybe father was totally absent, father wasn’t around much, father was around but working and not available to emotionally support his son, father never complimented his son, or his son’s efforts were never good enough to meet the fathers standards, or that father was simply not capable of loving his son fully, because he wasn’t taught how to do this from his own father. And on and on.
I believe that this deep wounding of “I’m not good enough” manifests because many men are not truly seen by their fathers or wise elder men. They were not emotionally supported by father and it is likely that a lack of authentic male role models were missing in the child’s life. This can be very traumatic for a child growing up and can lead to a lack of confidence later in life in many situations.
They are not blessed by what I sometimes call ‘Authentic Father Energy’.
As a man, if you perceive that you haven’t fulfilled your potential in life, if you feel ‘stuck’, if anxiety put’s the brakes on your life because you live in fear of crashing, if you lack confidence, if you feel depressed or confused about life and its meaning it is highly likely that you have never been truly blessed by authentic male role models in your life.
The good news is ‘it’s not too late’. I mean it
In my retreats and long term programs I have seen with my own eyes the power of authentic masculine blessing. I have witnessed the shift that happens in men when they feel part of a safe group and are truly seen and heard without judgement by other men. The power of real manhood.
Magic happens when men come together in support of each other’s lives.
We have seen the love felt in a man’s heart when he is seen, heard, felt by a group of other men, who look at him directly into his eyes and say these words: –
“You are good enough just as you are.”
This is real masculine leadership.
